I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
