It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.