You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube