I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
