Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis