Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
