I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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