Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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