I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have fence marks all over my body
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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