why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
