Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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