my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
NoShamevember. You game?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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