I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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