I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm always down for nudity.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
