had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
