If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
