from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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