he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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