my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.