Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.