Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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