When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have feelings that need drinking.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
