So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
