hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
