so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
