But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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