Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
