It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
