You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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