Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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