I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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