Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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