Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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