You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.