Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
