fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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