apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
