Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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