OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
