He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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