One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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