In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
