Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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