How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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