first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
