Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
