i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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