i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
