i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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