Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
