I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
