my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
