remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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