If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
