I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Drunk is not a location!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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