I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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