why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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