My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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